My Testimony
Small beginnings… I was born into a Christian family; a middle child in a middle class family from a small town. To be honest, I’ve been incredibly blessed with an amazing family who gave me some great foundations and allowed me to develop a real faith in Jesus. Things weren’t always simple though. My mother has epilepsy (and cerebral palsy), health issues that are quite restrictive and often dangerous. My mother’s epilepsy is unable to be controlled (with medication) and so she often has fits/seizures. This is something that I’ve never coped well with, but was, out of necessity, made to. My mother has spent extended periods in hospital with injuries and illnesses related and unrelated to this, which is never pleasant.
Starting school, I was immediately a target for bullies. I’m not really sure why, but I can’t remember a day where I was not criticised or ostracised for something. This was antagonised when I fractured my skull in my first year of school and on return to school was required to wear a helmet to protect my healing head. I am still remembered in my home town as the ‘girl with the pink stackhat’. I was a smart kid, though and this made it easier. I at least had something to boost my self confidence.
At age 9, things took a turn for the worst. My parents welcomed into our home, a man that had been volunteering at the Salvation Army store, which my father managed. He was struggling financially and was homeless, living out of a van. So he moved into our granny flat at the back of our house. We all liked him - he was a pretty friendly guy. But he always showed a little more attention to me. Soon enough the attention increased to gifts which then turned into hugs which then became kissing which then became sexual abuse. For two months I endured this, right under my parent’s noses… Afraid to say anything as I had been threatened with death. I loved this man. He showed me attention. I didn’t want him to die either. But I hated what he was doing to me and I hated that my developing body was betraying me.
After what seemed a lifetime, my mother confronted me on what she thought was happening. I initially denied it but saw that I couldn’t keep the truth from her. Once she knew, life turned upside down yet again. The man left, threatened by my father who had confronted him. We went to doctors, police, counsellors, and later lawyers… The next year of my life was consumed by it. I hated all of it. I wished that everyone would leave me alone and let me live like any other 9-10 year old. I was constantly out of school. I was afraid to leave my house. Eventually, the day that I was meant to testify in court, he pleaded guilty (that’s a story in itself) and was later sentenced. That same week, my grandfather died - something that I could never feel sad about.
It seemed after that, that life had returned to normal. I numbed myself, chose to leave counselling and tried to pretend that my life was normal. My heart would not comply with this, however. And relationship after relationship turned to muck. I continued to be bullied at school and lack good and close friendships until I met a new girl at school. She became a best friend and we discussed everything. She was the first person, apart from my family, that found out about the abuse. Soon later, she told me of something similar that had happened to her… It didn’t sit right. Soon, she started to talk about things with a sexual nature. As an 11 year old Christian, I wasn’t comfortable with this but she was my friend and I wanted to keep her. It wasn’t long before I was invited to her house and on both occasions of this, found myself in a situation that I did not like, nor understand. This girl encouraged us to engage in sexual relations. Immediately following this, she told me she didn’t like me anymore and didn’t want to be my friend. I was later getting emails from other girls at school threatening me. She hacked into my email account and emailed others. She showed compromising photos of me to others, photos that I thought had been destroyed and that I never wanted taken in the first place. It was a nightmare but I tried to ignore it and keep walking my numbed life.
Going into highschool, things only got worse. The bullying continued, only I couldn’t just shrug it off. Everything was getting to me and I started to feel depressed and anxious, particularly about going to school. I was physically attacked by a ‘friend’ and later discovered that the friend from when I was younger had shared rumours about me being ‘lesbian’ and a whore who slept with older men (from the abuse I assume) which soon came back to me. I can only imagine how many of the 200 people in my year found out about this.
School became unbearable soon enough and after attending a camp where I was exposed to self harm, eating disorders and drug use for the first time everything quickly escaladed. I refused to return to the school I was at, thinking that distance education was the only option. I instead moved to small Christian school. During this time, I had started to self harm, cutting on a daily basis. I stopped eating meals and started exercising excessively. I thought about suicide constantly and became a recluse, focussing my energy on achieving at school (I was a perfectionist) and destroying myself. I was diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress and put on medication.
I hated everything about me and who I had become. I blamed myself for everything; the abuse, the bullying, my parent’s declining mental health, my sister’s immense amount of stress. I was the common element and I was the one who was destroying everything, in my opinion. The cutting increased, I used more aggressive tools, I cut in more places, sometimes burning my skin. I took small overdoses and lost and gained weight constantly.
A few weeks before my 16th birthday, I made my first suicide attempt, with an overdose. I ended up in hospital, spending some time in ICU. After two weeks I was discharged, and on the day of my discharge took another overdose and ended up back in hospital. This time, I spent a few weeks there, before being transfered to a child psychiatric unit, where I spent around 2 months. During this time, I was deceptive, smuggling items in to harm myself, skipping most meals (though no one ever said anything) and having constant panic attacks. My self harm extended to hitting my head against walls. Medication was increased. However, half way during my stay, I managed to run away and overdose again. I was eventually discharged.
I spent the next two months attempting to cope, yet still bent on dying and constantly improving my plan. One night, I ran away with the intention of jumping in front of a car. However, my parents found me before I was able to do this and took me to hospital. I spent 2 months in a children’s ward before I was flown 8 hours away to spend 3 weeks in a lock up child psychiatric unit. During all these admissions, I started to apply for a residential program, recognising that there was no way that I could cope, particularly with constant admissions to hospital. Nothing was helping, and as much as I was desperate to die, I was also desperate to find a way to live. I was accepted onto the waiting list in November of 2007. I decided that if I didn’t get into the program by my 17th birthday (in May), I would make sure that I died.
After being discharged in December from the psych ward, I celebrated Christmas with family and was then asked to enter the program in Jan 2008. The next 6 months were the most challenging and most rewarding months of my life. I battled to strip off the protective layers, to lose the habits of self harm and eating disorders, to not be afraid constantly. I learnt what God thought about me, that He loved me passionately, though it was months before I let myself receive that love. I learnt forgiveness, though it was months before I learnt how to give it freely and how to accept it for myself. I found acceptance. I found a group of people who didn’t bully me, use me, or manipulate me. I left the program after 6 months to do it externally. I struggled during this time, self harming occasionally and taking another overdose that landed me in hospital. But with the support of counsellors, staff and fantastic people who opened their home to me I graduated in Dec 2008, my life finally on the path to healing and happiness.
Immediately after my graduation, I saw a psychiatrist in the hope that my medication would be reduced. However, he increased my medication, putting me on drugs that had previously sent my emotional state into haywire. Everything turned upside down. I became numb and distant. The couple I lived with were very worried about me, especially after my visit to my family over Christmas. I was having nightmares where I would wake up screaming, huge panic attacks, and wasn’t eating. They got me in to see a world renowned psychologist (a huge blessing in itself) but soon after I took a very large overdose, one that should have killed me. I was shocked by the fact that I had lived and shocked at the way I had behaved. I was determined to leave this part of my life behind forever. I was taken off the medication and started working incredibly hard, with this psychologist to get things sorted. After about 5-6 months I was sleeping well for the first time in my life, I was eating regularly. I had stopped self harming completely. I was dealing proactively with the abuse I had suffered for the first time in my life. My doctor was so impressed with my progress that he asked me to speak at a conference (christian women’s).
Following this I moved to a bigger city to pursue my study goals. I completed a mental health course and then started my degree in Psychology and Criminology. I never thought this would happen, as I never finished school (I did it later through TAFE). I found a church and got planted. I started dating the most incredible man…. And not once have I looked back. My life is unimaginably different. I look back at where I was 2-3 years ago and I don’t recognise that girl.
My parents have found incredible healing also which is so amazing. Our relationship has been restored and things are better than they ever were. I am living independently… Getting amazing marks at uni… LOVING LIFE!
And I give the glory to God… I would not be alive if it was not for Him. My life is not my own. I’ve realised that … It belongs to Him… His will is mine. His purpose for me is real and I’m living in it..
